When my daughter asked me what to buy her friends for graduation presents. I suggested morning-after pills and bus passes.

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One good thing about graduation is that you get to wear a funny hat that makes your brain look larger than it actually is.

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After twelve years of carrying books to school, you're well prepared for a career in backpacking.

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I remember my guidance counselor. The guy studied for years for his job, and deepest thing he ever said to me was, "You have your whole life ahead of you."

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It's graduation day, and everybody's going to get their diploma but Josh. At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts "Let Josh graduate, let Josh graduate!" The principal agrees to give Josh one last chance. "If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, Josh, how many apples do I have?" he asked. Josh thought long and hard and then said: "Ten." And the entire senior class stood up and shouted, "Give Josh another chance. Give Josh another chance!"

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